Us: rock stars. We show up late (if at all), eat your food, drink your liquor, steal your girlfriend, and do any number of horrible drugs that may suddenly kill us. We’ll probably crash on your couch.

You: poindexter. You show up on time, have some weird obsession with bacon, drink Mountain Dew or coffee exclusively, and don’t even have a girlfriend for us to steal. You probably have no social skills, but you actually went to college, and maybe even graduated.

Let’s hook up.

Your duties will include: restocking the fridge, letting us crash on your couch, keeping promoters happy when we run late, playing all the licks we can’t play because we’re too “hopped up” on “goofballs,” maybe even producing our next record, and some light filing.

We are seeking a milk spiller to join our fast-paced team. Qualified applicants:

• Have appropriate emotional responses
• Have cat-like reflexes
• Type 90 WPM

Respond with seven years’ work history and salary requirements. Some light filing will be required.

We are now hiring a rubber ducky squeaker.

Requirements:

• Recognize “the one.”
• Make bathtime lots of fun.
• Four year degree (advanced degree a plus).
• Some light filing.

No experience necessary. We will consider all qualified applicants.

We are looking for an experienced Internet Explainer to join our team. Qualifications include but are not limited to:

• Extensive knowledge of past and future memes.
• Understanding of acronyms, abbreviations, and misspellings common in Internet posts.
• “Finger on the pulse” of trends.
• Ability to lift 40 lbs.
• Minimum five years experience with Twitter, Tumblr, Flickr, YTMND, LOLCATS, etc. Ten or more years a definite plus.
• Must own your own transportation.

Job duties will include:

• Explaining in-jokes on various sites.
• Keeping up with trends.
• Providing regular summary reports of the Zeitgeist.
• Occasional on-site meetings with our clients.
• Making us laugh.
• Some light filing.

This is a telecommuting position, but employees should plan to be available for team meetings as necessary.

We have an immediate need for a television scheduler.

New employee will receive two weeks of on-location training. We will provide trainee with a list of television programs, actors, directors, and subject matter we find interesting and/or entertaining. After training, employee will be expected to schedule television watching, including:

• All new episodes of favorite programs
• All episodes (including reruns) of some programs
• Manage conflicts between scheduled recordings and/or viewer preferences
• Special events
• Movies starring or directed by people we like
• etc.

In the event we are unable to watch a scheduled program, employee will be expected to tape it and work with our Videotape Rewinder Operator to make sure the tapes are rewound and ready for viewing.

We expect our employees to grow with us. We plan to expand this department to include a Television Programming Suggester in the near future, and internal candidates are always considered first for every opening.

Candidate must be a self-starter and possess excellent communication skills. Industry experience a plus. Some light filing is required.

We have an opening for a Food Tester 2.

• No nut allergies.
• Three or more years at Food Tester 1 grade required.
• Food Tester 2 experience preferred.
• Some light filing.

Bedtime storyteller wanted.

• Soothing voice preferred.
• Experience with three bears a plus.
• Some light filing.

Security clearance required.

Video tape rewinder operator needed.

• Requires rewinding videotapes in a rewinding machine.
• Speed and efficiency required.
• Some light filing.

Salary commensurate with experience.

Keytar instructor wanted.

Duties include:

• Instruction in operation and maintenance of the keytar.
• How to look cool while playing a keytar.
• Where to buy a keytar.
• Some light filing.

Resume and references required.